Hi everyone! I have great news!! I am getting ready to move this blog over to my own server and a new blogging software. Keep you eye out here for the new address. I hope to have it posted and running by the end of the weekend.

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

Early Morning Ruminations

I'm sitting here this morning thinking about my progress these past few weeks. I have done some incredible things, the most being that I am actually moving and earning APs. Last week I earned 15 for the entire week, and this week I've earned 10 in 3 days. Just by walking. Yesterday I walked more than I have in the 4 weeks I've been tracking my steps. I actually walked over 5 miles. My normal day (when working) had ranged between 2.5 - 3 miles and when walking for exercise I had managed to hit just a bit over 4. Yesterday I made it a priority to add extra walking time to my work day. Working with 1st graders really helps. I get to walk and pick up 3 classes from their specials and I get to spend recess out with at least one class a day. Our campus is very spread out, so I made sure to walk it as much as possible. I had one little girl walk with me during recess for 16 minutes and then after school I used the extra time I had, while waiting for my own children, to walk the entire campus for 20 minutes.

So I'm very proud of myself. I'm trying and that's important.

However...

Since I am a daily weigher I can see what the scale is doing. So this morning the scale has me baffled. I'm not upset, just wondering...

Last week I exercised, ate only 10 of my APs and stayed the same at weigh-in. Since weigh-in I have gained each day. I am now up 2.5 pounds for the week. I'm not really worried because I know I'm doing the right thing. I also know that I've been completely OP. I've actually been eating all of my fruits & veggies, drink my water and then some, eating my points and my APs and I've even had .5 of my flex points.

I think it will be very interesting to continue watching what my body is doing and how it's reacting to this increase in activity.

I won't be thrilled with a gain at weigh-in on Sunday, but I won't be upset with myself either if it happens. I'll just continue to watch my body and learn from it and pray. :-)

So those are my early morning ruminations.

Hope you have a great day!!!

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

DO NOT GIVE UP!

This morning I was on the WW boards, where I hang out quite a bit, and responded to a post from a poster that is getting discouraged because her losses are slow and she's getting frustrated. My post is something I need to remember as the going gets tough...and I know it's going to get tough... so I'm going to put it here for future reference :-)

Don't quit!!!! I have been where you are, only I have quit! Each time I've had to start over and re-lose much of the weight I had lost, just because I got discouraged because I was doing everything right and my losses had slowed. That's the game I've been playing for 4 and a half years now! It sucks! I wish I had just done it the first time and kept with the small losses or no losses...if I had I'd be at goal today!

DO NOT GIVE UP! DO NOT GIVE UP!

P.S. I've started exercising again (last week) and I stayed the same yesterday at weigh-in. My mind started playing the same game with me, but I am determined to keep at this rather than quit and have to start again. I'm fighting my own mind and it's not easy but I will NOT GIVE UP!

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

Good morning everyone! Today was my weigh-in for week 5 and the news isn't great, but isn't bad either.

I stayed the same :-(

This despite the fact that I didn't use any flex points at all and I earned 15 AP points and ate 10 of them.

My target is 30 and here's my weekly break down:

33 <- 3 APs used
33 <- 3 APs used
32 <- 2 APs used
23.5
28
32 <- 2 APs used
30

I think this is what freaks me out about exercising. Everytime I do it, my losses slow to a crawl. This has been the case over the last 4.5 years.

This week I walked a ton because my mother was here and she motivated me to do so. I am going to continue walking and have pulled out my old yoga and pilates equipment to compliment the walking, but I hope that the losses don't slow too much.

I'm terrified to eat too much food. I know I should eat my APs and mostly did, except for the day I earned 7... I only used 3 of them because I just wasn't hungry.

I'm afraid if I eat too much that I'll gain, I'm afraid if I eat too little I'll gain, I'm afraid truly because I can not control what causes me to lose. I can't just eat 30 points every day and lose 2 pounds a week. There are so many variables that are out of my control and that freak me out because I am an obsessive control freak. There is no magic in this and that scares me.

I've had pep talks with myself this week because I knew I wouldn't lose a lot due to my daily "check-ins" and I'm really ok with that because I know that I did really well and that getting that walking in is imperative to my future health and well being.

This is just such a long long journey that I don't like to take advantage of these rest stops along the way and want to keep moving and grooving rather than stopping to smell the roses (aka NSVs)

Well that's my rambling for now! Have a great Sunday!!!

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

I'm now back from the airport and my mother is on her way home. I hate goodbyes. I'm having such a hard time with my self esteem these days that it's nice to have her here and to be encouraged by her support and the belief she has in me. She's skinny. I think the highest she's ever weighed is 150 pounds. Now she's about 125 and looks amazing. I am twice her size! So I watched her... she exercises every day, she eats small portions, she doesn't bulk eat like I do, she does what needs to be done to maintain the weight she wants to be. She's not deprived...she just does it.

Why can't I be like that???? I hate exercise. I am a bulk eater. I am fat. I just have so many issues. I really do not like myself, I really do not like my life. I am not happy. I am stressed, I am fat, I am not attractive, I am on a serious pity party. I am struggling so much. Not so much with my staying on plan, but more the fact that I'm as fat as I am and I don't have to be this big. I resent myself for letting me gain this weight back, I resent myself for not being at goal 4+ years after starting this journey. I resent myself for many of my shortcomings. I resent that it's going to take me a long time to get back to that 51 pounds gone status...and longer still to move on from there. I resent myself for not being willing to get excited over exercising...I just resent the hell out of myself.

I just want the pain to go away. I just want to do something...anything...right in my life.

I just want to hide away and cry.

Like I said...serious pity party going on here today. *sigh*

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

I'm sad today. My mother's been here visiting this week and it's been wonderful. We've been apart for over 6 months and these 6 days have just been a treat, though they've flown by way too fast. Now I'm sitting here waiting to take her to the airport and I just want to cry. Yesterday was her last day and I woke up feeling icky and depressed and ended the day feeling icky and depressed and crying myself to sleep. I'm such a baby!!!!!

I am so lucky. My mother is my best friend and the one person in my life that I can be 100% myself with and know that she'll never turn away from me. I love her so much. I hate that we live so far from each other.

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

Thoughts for the Month

Earlier this morning I posted that I was down 3 pounds this week. So now I thought I'd post my stats for the first four weeks recommitted to my journey.

Total Pounds Lost: 8 pounds
Total Inches Lost: 5.5 (rt. arm, waist, hips, rt. thigh)

Not too bad! I'm very excited and feel as if my commitment to this journey is right where it should be. I'm making much better choices, when getting on the scale I tell myself that even if I don't show a loss I know that I'm doing what I need to be doing so I'm on the right track. I am doing IT again!!! I can't tell you how good that makes me feel!

Some simple things like eating out are back on track...points are counted even if I don't want to count them. Last week I ate out 4 times...McDonalds, Japanese Steak House, Applebees and Chik-fil-A. I had a Big Mac, I had a regular Chik-fil-A sandwich, I had french fries... you get the idea. Yet, I still had a 3 pound loss and I still stayed within my points. The biggest trick for me is planning. Planning on going out, planning on what to eat, planning on having the points available.

That's my lesson for this month...planning ahead and storyboarding.

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

Recommitment Thoughts - Week 4

I'm a happy camper today. Jumped on the scale for weigh-in this morning and I'm down 3 pounds!!!! Yeah baby!!!

The great part is, there are only 4 more pounds to go until I've lost the weight I gained from Thanksgiving through mid-January. Then I work on the rest of the weight I had gained over the last year...that other 25.5 pounds...LOL

I'm thrilled that I'm averaging 2 pounds a week. I hope I continue at that rate, because in the past I usually only averaged about 1 a week and I definitely like the average better this time around.

Last week I was coming off of my big Superbowl Sunday splurge and had used a lot of my flex points, this week I only had one moderately high day and used 4 flex points. I wonder if that made a difference?

My target is 30 and here's what I did each day:

27 30 25.5 30 34 30 29.5

I also tried to make sure to add some fat to my diet, I tend to do everything low fat or fat free because I prefer it that way and I like to get the most bang for my points. So getting in extra fat is a big step for me.

As for carbs...today's kick is everything low carb or no carb but I love carbs so that doesn't work for me, so what I've been trying to do is make sure that I eat more protein with my carbs and by doing that I think it's helping me to stay full longer.

Now on to week 5! :-)

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

Aren't our bodies weird and wonderful at the same time? Why do I say this? Because I had the weirdest food day yesterday. Due to circumstances out of my control I didn't eat anything until after noon and then I only had time for my sandwich and a shapeup bar. Then I didn't eat anything else, except a snack bar, until nearly 7:30 when we went to McDonalds and I used 19.5 points on a Big Mac and small fry. That's all I ate all day! But I hit my target points and this morning I'm down 1.5 from yesterday! This brings me unofficially into the 250s once again! Never thought I'd be so excited to get there, but I am. Weird that I'd lose after eating McDonalds!!!!

Right now I'm really focused on losing the 12 pounds I gained over the holidays, and as of this morning I'm over half way there. That's very exciting. I'd love to make it there by mid-March and then get going on the next mini goal I'll set for myself.

Anyway, I'm in a great mood and very motivated on this journey right now. I really feel as if I'm back in the groove and chugging along for the long haul!

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

Skinny Feet?

It's very strange...I'm just down 4 pounds since recommitting myself in mid-January, but this morning I noticed that my feet look thinner. Very odd.

Not that they were ever fat, my fat seems to have missed my feet so far, but they must have been a bit swolled due to all the cruddy food I'd been eating over the last few months. Now that I'm back eating a healthier diet they're unswollen?

Oh and I've also noticed that my nails are growing nicely again. My hands look nicer than they have in months.

Amazing what we do to ourselves when we eat unhealthy foods, and the way our body responds when we feed it what it needs to thrive.

I'll take these changes even above a loss because I know that I'm helping myself to live a longer healthier life.

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

Superbowl Damage

I was all prepared yesterday to have a good time at the Superbowl party I went to.

Unfortunately it all fell to hell when I arrived and here's why...

All of us sat around a long narrow table at my BIL's house and the entire table was filled with chips/crackers and dips. No way to escape! I had storyboarded that the food would be on my BIL's bar, but apparently no one wanted to miss the game to get up for food so there it sat calling my name.

So I counted the points per serving of the tortilla chip bowls I ate (realizing I should have brought some of my baked chips with me) stuck to those and had spinach dip with them. Not realizing just how damaging the spinach dip is!

I did not bring an appetizer. That was my downfall. I brought a dish for dinner (fruit salad) and brought a dessert.

So I grazed until we ate, then I ate turkey and fruit salad for dinner...not too bad...but then came the *4* chocolate chip cookies!!!!! I have such a hard time saying NO to cookies! I just love fresh from the oven gooey chocolate chip cookies.

So I ate and tried to have no regrets, drank a ton of water at the same time and came straight home to journal what I'd consumed and today I will move on. Next time I will be more prepared to deal with having food right in front of me and come up with some coping strategies. Last night I was just not able to do that on the fly.

However, I do feel like I made good choices, for the most part, and am proud of myself for writing it down and facing the damage.

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl

Week 2 Weigh-in Results

Phew! I was so worried after last week only losing .5 pounds. Well this week was MUCH better... I was down 3.5!!!

I ate a bit more and added some more fat to my diet and a bit less fiber. I also switched back to drinking mostly water and diet rite and got rid of the caffeine.

I have a target of 30 points per day here's what my week looked like:

30.5 27 29 33 30 32 29

I ate 5.5 flex points

I did not do any "exercise" but I did continue to try to increase my activity on a daily basis.

Also, this morning really made me reflect on that list of NSVs that I posted yesterday. Working in my school is such a challenge because there is junk everywhere and always a birthday to be celebrated or some such. I thought about how if I had eaten everything that had been offered to me this week, would I have lost? Would I have done as well as I did? Even if I journaled and ate my flex points to accomodate them. I also reflected on the fact that 5 minutes after turning down the sweets, or making a different choices, I was not upset, not feeling deprived, but feeling strong for being able to say no.

I have to contemplate this a bit more today, but I think I may be on the verge of a mental breakthrough. :-)

Until Later
-Heather aka Losergrl